I had better things to do, yet I still wrote this response to Ann Coulter

Soccer is a gentleman’s game played by hooligans,
Rugby is a hooligan’s game played by gentlemen,
[American] Football is a hooligan’s game played by hooligans.

Let’s be honest. Ann Coulter’s precisely outrageous potshots towards soccer and decent people was a desperate attempt to get the attention that she would not be able to get even if she were to streak during the World Cup final when Argentina beats Brazil on its home turf (yes that’s my prediction).

And while this may be a case of pearls before swine, I would like to take the time to satiate her desire for attention by pointing out some flaws in her obvious cry for help.

Let’s start by acknowledging that she obviously dislikes soccer, as is her irrational right which cannot and need not be justified. Asking why she doesn’t like soccer is like asking me why I don’t like American Football (which will be henceforth referred to as football, despite the unanimity of the rest of the world that this is an improper use of the term). I could attempt to give some rational answers such as the fact that it there is no flow to the game; that it sets up players for a life after football rife with serious weight management issues, or it is just unsafe. But those are just rationalizations for the fact that I as a lover of rugby look down upon football as a sport.

And this preference of mine is completely irrational. In the quote that begins this response: one could make some argument about soccer being a gentleman’s game, but as a rugby player, I can tell you that I have encountered rugby players who fail all definitions of the word “Gentlemen”, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking that rugby is a superior sport. The sport I like is a product of my upbringing and socialization, and arguing over which sport is better is akin to arguing over which fruit one should like. For the life of me, I cannot understand why somebody would like a pomegranate, but there are some people who do. I prefer mangoes.

Therefore, since there are no rational justifications for why a sport is better than another, we can see Ann’s article for what it was; an way to stir the pot through thinly veiled insults disguised as tongue-in-cheek critiques of soccer.

First, if you want to talk about an interminable game, look no further than your beloved sport of football in which a game that is supposed to run for 60min actually lasts 3 hours of real life. The fact that there is a flurry of activity for about 30 seconds, and then about a minute to reset the play is certainly grounds for derision. If I really wanted to aspire to Ann’s levels of douchebaggery [sic] I would wonder what is the American obsession with timeouts as exhibited in football and basketball? Is it indicative of an inability to see things through without a breather? And the fact that one football team has a squad for offense and another for defense….really? Anne, are you that lazy? No wonder obesity rates are soaring in this country. There are (thankfully) no timeouts in Soccer and Rugby, and no changing of teams either. You go in and play the entire game to the end, including defending and scoring.

And if I wanted to talk about a boring sport, please look towards the American pastime first: Baseball. In her second column, Ann derided a person’s use of statistics to defend Soccer, yet apparently statistics are the only things that make Baseball anywhere near remotely interesting. Next to golf, baseball is the best place to go entertaining business clients because you can talk during the game; nobody is actually watching it.

Finally she says soccer is not a real sport because it can be played co-ed in the US before puberty. In her second article, she calls soccer a game for girls, apparently as a sign of disrespect towards the sport. Since Ann was a girl the last time we checked, I can’t help but be concerned about her negative self image. Even though I’ve said we shouldn’t ask why Ann doesn’t like soccer, it may be in her best interest to visit a psychoanalyst who may be able to convince her that soccer should be the least of her worries. Ann, there’s nothing wrong at all with being a girl, so please ditch the penis envy.

The rest of Ann’s piece and her subsequent article are merely swipes at her favorite pet peeves: the metric system, the French and international people in general. They don’t really have anything to do with soccer and I’ve already wasted enough of everybody’s time falsely criticizing football and baseball to attack Ann in the same manner that Ann falsely criticizes soccer to attack immigrants and people of color. These are different sports targeting different skills and are meant to be appreciated in different ways.

This could devolve into a game of mud slinging and insult hurling and I must therefore withdraw because in this sport that is best left to swine, I am hopelessly outmatched.

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